Big Leather Couch

OK, so I am telecommuting as I have to get some things done that can't be dealt with on the weekend...and hell, all I ever do is take a day here, a day there and I will be working part of the day...it is slow right now with a number of people on vacations and all of our mail in the stream and ready to go for July...

I NEED A REAL VACATION!!!!!!!

OK, sorry about that...

Anyway, there I am with a "OH MAN THE WEEKEND" and then all of a sudden it comes to me that it is only going to be Friday and I had not even thought about a post...

So here I am at 10:26 pm, much later than I normally write and you, my readers are experiencing a total stream of consciousness post...

Please keep your hands and feet inside the cars at all times as this could be a dark and scary ride...

Or a past post just jumped to the front of my mind and it looks like the forces of the weird...of TV shows of the past might be taking hold...

For you new-comers a taste of the past and you who have depressions where you have sat for so many posts, we hope you enjoy this one again...

All ya'all know we broke a tooth on Sunday...who knew you shouldn't use 60# test to floss with...sheesh, we live in the South now and fishing line is much less expensive than dental floss down here.

The tooth was like one of those Hollywood sets where the houses are just a flat surface with nothing behind them...SO, we needed to find a dentist and deal with the cost...

After some investigation we began making some calls. Who used our insurance, who dealt with our dental credit...in Memphis, we could not find one who took both so we began taking notes and trying to decide what was better, out of network or pay out of my pocket....

We called one office and spoke with the woman who answered the phone. Ms. K. was very sweet and welcoming and assured this big dentist phobic that they would care for me with kid-gloves.

Her caring nature made the decision for us and we made an appointment after confirming that nitrous would be available...

So, the next morning we walk into the office and are confronted with a sign on the wall which stated "WE CATER TO COWARDS" AH! we are home....LOL

Walking up to the window Ms. K. smiles and says "Morning Vince, please fill out the paperwork." Without me having to say a word! OK, we are feeling even better...not like other Doctor or Dentist offices we have been in where they barely look at you when you come in for a visit...

We fill out the paperwork and hand it in and within 2 minutes the door opens and we are welcomed by the Dr. P's assistant Ms. M.L. with a smile and a chuckle..."So, you are not a fan of the dentist." she says...

"No ma'am, I am not." we reply. Truth is we would rather her just chop my thumbs off with a rusty 200 year old axe then sit in a dentist's chair...

So, she grabs me by the hair and drags me down the hall kicking and screaming "I WANT MY MOMMY!"

"Well we will take good care of you, you want the nitrous correct?"

"Yes ma'am I do." And some quaaludes and maybe a liter of Gentleman Jack too...ya got that here?


We go into the room and we take a seat. We chat for a few minutes as she asks where we are from - well yes dear readers, we still have our Northern accent so we get asked that question often..can you believe it? bwahahahahahaahahahahahaha

In walks Dr. P. an older man (hell, he is probably our age LOL) and we shake hands and he asks where we are from, how long we have been in Memphis and Ms. M.L. mentions that they have a 'coward' in the chair and after looking around wondering who she means, we realize it is us and yes, we immediately agree.

Dr. P. assures us we are in good hands and then says "Let's take a look."

Into the mouth goes that little mirror and we hear him say "OH!"

Crap...what does he see? Are there little germy monsters building homes where my tooth was? Will my whole mouth have to be fumigated? Will all my teeth fall out?

"Almost nothing left there." he says.

We use our Hollywood lot analogy and he laughs and says, "Yeah, that is just about it!"

Make them like you and they have a harder time hating you and using the non-sterilized instruments...

Time to take an x-ray and Ms. M.L. takes care of that chore.

Then she straps the gas mask on and says "I will set it at our normal level and let's see how you do."

Immediately the words spill from our mouth (which hurts like hell at this point) "Crank it M.L., I can take it, believe me" Then we sigh and say "ARGGGG"

"What is wrong?"

"I forgot my musiccccccccccccccccccccc!" How the hell could we do that! The Allman Brothers "EAT A PEACH" was right next to my keys on my counter...

"Oh, sorry, we have a CD player, but only classic music."

Ummmm no that will NOT do...suck it up you wimp, you have the gas flowing and you already took 4 HUGE hits and can feel it coming on...

We close our eyes and begin to breathe deeply. Ever have nitrous?

It starts slowly and you begin to feel a numbness...almost like your whole body is on Novocaine...and things get intensified....but you really do not care what is going on around you.

THE COUCH BACKSTORY:...as a kid (8-10 years old), we went to the dentist one day. And he kicked the gas in and gave us a shot of novacaine. We were out of it for sure and began to 'hallucinate'...we were outside a pyramid (NO MO, we were not with you and Gram in Egypt!) then a doorway opens and we step into the pyramid.

As we step inside, the door closes behind us and it gets darker, but not pitch black...In the center of the pyramid are two gear wheels slowly turning. As we stand there watching a tooth begins to extend out of our mouth...stretching longer and longer, until it gets caught in the gear wheels and we feel it pull out of my mouth.

At that point, my eyes open in the chair and there is the dentist holding a tooth in a pair of clamps! Never ever forget that day....very weird...

OK, back to Wednesday...Dr. P then comes back and proceeds to give me two shots of novacaine...one in the roof of my mouth..man those do hurt....

He then says, "Looking at the x-ray, well it looks like that tooth has two root canals." AND IT HITS ME!

In NJ we used a hack for a while and we remember he did a root canal and then it still hurt and he told us we needed a second one done....SO it was THAT tooth!

We discuss the cost of the treatment and it is doable so we say "Rock and Roll", though it was probably not that clear as our mouth is numb and the gas is doing it's job....

He begins working and - as we always do - our eyes close..we do NOT like to watch...nope...no...no... remember "We Cater To Cowards".....

The work begins and as he begins to drill, our eyes open.... hummmmm it hurts...can feel pain...so we get Ms. M.L.'s attention and with my hand indicate "TURN THAT SUCKER UP!" and she smiles and boosts the flow of gas a bit more....

Breathe deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep ..... fuzzy....fuzzy...fuzzier.....total fuzz....

"Hummmmm" says Dr. P and of course, we look up...

What the heck can be wrong NOW?!?!?

"It seems there is only one root canal here and the other hole was an attempt to get the root, but was not successful, so that is good news for you..."

FREAKING NJ HACK DOG BREATHE LOSER PIECE OF ....

Eyes close again...breathe deep... see, if you just breathe through your nose, you stay in the fuzz zone, but if you begin to breathe through your mouth the fuzziness begins to clear as more oxygen gets into your system and overrides the nitrous....

They are working...we are missing our music..the music on the radio is vanilla pop rock- ugh ...but with the gas it has become a beating echoing...mass of noise...

We hear Ms. M.L. say "He is a good patient."

"Yes he is." answers Dr. P

We smile - well as much as one can smile with two hands shoved into your mouth and a drill moving in and out, but we tap the gas mask and mumble "Gib me dis anb I be da bestest padtent in da worlb"

They both laugh...

Well, we are now to a point where he has completed getting the tooth out and doing whatever else he needed to do....Chase the germies out of their homes?...rebuild my whole jaw from the hack?....install a tiny microchip that will allow the government to track my every move?
They begin to take casts for the crown...OH yeah... needed a post since there was nothing left of the tooth....and of course Mr. Tongue just neeeeeds to touch it... YUKKERS....
Was that a microchip we felt? Wait, are we getting signals from Pluto? Nah, Pluto ain't even a planet anymore...just use more of the gas......suck deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Ms. M.L. takes the cast and is being a little jokester...well maybe she was...or was it the gas?

Hello...Hello...who is in my head? Wait, no way...that can't be Dick Cheney, but hell it sounds like him...DICK, YOU DICK...GET OUT!

damn....suck deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeper

The cast is made and Ms. M.L. says to sit tight and enjoy the ride...OH, we are doing that...yes we are...no more drilling and just us and our best friend the nitrous....well and Dick...he will not leave now..seems he likes it in my head.... damn...

They put the temp crown in...make some adjustments and then Dr. P says, "Well, we don't have to charge you for the second root canal, so it saves you money" (we think he said $30,000,000,000,000,0000.00, but maybe it was only $300.00 and the other number was Dick adding up the national debt...)...damn suck some more quick, maybe he will get the hell out...

We respond with "Well dats bgoob, youb didbn't eben hab to tell me." "

And Dr. P says, "We don't roll that way here in our hood dude, so chill and be excellent"

Wait, who is this guy, George Carlin in "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure"?




Then finally, Ms. M.L. blows the whole darn thing and utters the most disgusting words we have ever heard in our life....

"OK, I have to turn the gas off, just sit there and breathe the pure oxygen for a few minutes..."

BUT BUT BUT, WE THOUGHT YOU LIKED US...WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU...DON'T YOU SEE WE ARE HAVING FUN HERE! (Well all except Dick who is now trying to convince us to go hunting with him....ummmm no thanks Dick!)

Finally...time to leave.... Dr. P says good bye and we shake hands.. Ms. M.L. turns and says "Bring the CD when you come back now..."

Ms. K. at the desk gives us an emergency number and tells us SHE answers the line and not some service and would we like to go out sometime...(ummm well, maybe the gas wasn't totally out of our system and we imagined that last part)...

All in all, one of the most excellent (George? Where are you George - are you in there with Dick..now that would be a scary twosome...Cheney and Carlin...) dentist visits we have ever had...

We leave and head to the office and pretty much realize that ain't happening..so head home and slept the afternoon. woke up for a while, and then crashed again...

So, if you are looking for a dentist in the Memphis area...let us know and we will turn you on to Dr. P, Ms. K. and Ms. M.L. (oh let's not forget the hygienist who will be cleaning our teeth in two weeks, - with the nitrous of course - we told you C-O-W-A-R-D!), Ms. M.....

This is a real find for us and we thank them for their skills and caring...

Yeah, we did tell them we would be writing about this and Dr. P made sure he got THE COUCH'S address...

so..everyone all at once

See all ya'll on the 30th for my next appointment!