So far in our tale,You've heard
Tales of amazing advertising powers…
Prattle on the state of dating in NYC in the late ‘70’s/early ‘80’s…
Schmoose about nonsensical subjects…
Tales of amazing advertising powers…
Prattle on the state of dating in NYC in the late ‘70’s/early ‘80’s…
Schmoose about nonsensical subjects…
In our last episode you should have learned (if you were paying attention and not kissing in the balcony);
THE COUCH worked hard and partied hard at his job…
THE COUCH had a falling out with roommate #2…long ago resolved…
THE COUCH became engaged…
THE COUCH had vacated the apartment in the city to his parent’s home…
THE COUCH became unengaged…
Now, living home and commuting into the city, THE COUCH reentered the world of dating…He began visiting the local bar that had been his “home away from home” throughout his college years and afterward.
He began chatting with women he rode the train with.
He spent time in NYC on the weekends when possible and also going out to the Hampton’s on the weekends when it was summer.
What he received in return was a lesson on life and an education to the bizzarro world of dating in the early 80’s.
We have thought about how this should be presented and have decided a case by case examination will make for the most comedic method…besides, the timeline is a bit fuzzy as to the order…
These all happened in 1980, ‘81 and part of ’82…
THE COUCH NOTE: To Mimi and Bud, the connoisseurs of dating profiles – the headlines are real to THE COUCH!
1) OUI OUI…NO NO!
Out at a small pub in a neighboring town. The main street of this town ends at the wharf, which juts out into the Long Island Sound. A beautiful cozy place and this pub is right near the water.
Sitting at the bar with good HS friend, at one point THE COUCH looks over and there is an attractive woman near the jukebox. We walk over and ask “Anything good on there?” At which point she sits on the edge and says “Me.”
OK, the next move would have been to run, but nope…we began dating…
Her family owned an old beach house overlooking The Sound on a bluff, where she lived full time. A great old house, not well kept, but very livable.
Problem was all of these $1-million dollar homes had sprung up all around it and it did stick out some…so, her neighbors were always being rude.
She was French and though she shaved body hair like American women, she tended to go along with that “don’t shower often” myth that exists. Wasn’t a myth…maybe 3 times a week for her…
She would complain that the girls at her work would put air fresheners near her locker. We tried to explain but it didn’t go far…
After about three weeks, one evening she began to describe how congested she gets at night and when she showers she clears this congestion out and began describing the substance of it, and other things about it….We did not see each other after that day…
Lesson One…Women who make stupid pickup lines and don’t shower enough are not dateable.
2) WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY PROOFS?
Lesson #2 - All that shines is not gold.
3) WHAT ARE YOU DOING NEXT TUESDAY?
Lesson #3: Always look behind door #2.
4) NEW TO DATING
Over the next month we had three more dates. By the end of the night for each, we found out:
- One had a boyfriend who was in boot camp for the Marines and he would be home the next week…
- One was separated and confused over what to do…(she did go back)
- One who was a total lunatic who complained about her ex half the night and explaining why she would take him back the other half.
5) HOPING TO MEET QUICKLY
Back on the good old Long Island Railroad. Coming home late one night…
Woman across the aisle says “Excuse me may I read part of your paper?”
“Sure, what section?”
“Are you done with the sports?” PERK!
Though we were just about to read them, “Sure, here you go.” As he hands over the requested pages, he makes an introduction and she replies in kind.
A few minutes later, “I can’t believe the Yankees this year.” PERK!
THE COUCH NOTE: That would put this at 1982 when the Yankees went 80-82. The year of the three headed manager with Bob Lemon, Gene Michael & Clyde King each taking their turn. It was September and they were already far out of the race.
“It has been difficult going to games this year.” Replies THE COUCH.
“Oh, do you go often?” she inquires.
“I actually have a stake of a season ticket package and get to go to 20-25 games a year.”
“That must be nice when they are playing well!” Laughter…
We exchange phone numbers and two days later she calls. “Do something Saturday? Sure…AH new comedy club, yes sounds like fun. Ok we’ll pick you up at 8.”
That Saturday was a blast. She liked the music same music, loved the Yankees…was very pretty and seemed normal in everyway possible. She had a great job as a lawyer in Manhattan.
The next Wednesday we had tickets to the Yankees and invited her.
She accepted and we had another great evening. Took the train home and she left at her station.
Monday she calls. Can we have lunch on Thursday; she is flying with her grandmother to Florida, for her yearly move down south.
How nice, she loves her family. PERK!
Plans are made to meet at THE COUCH's regular restaurant he uses for business.
As they planned on meeting at 2, his normal table was being used. They sat at a table by the window and had a great lunch. A bottle of wine…some dessert.
As dessert was finishing up a call comes and it is THE COUCH's best friend.
He is two blocks away, so come on over and let me introduce you. He is always a good gauge.
The three of them sit and have another bottle of wine and have a good time talking. It is time for her to head to Queens to grandmas house. And the skies open up. Torrential rainstorm. Cabs will now be impossible
THE COUCH calls for a limo. When it arrives she and THE COUCH head out, with plans to meet up with best friend after we drop her off.
The ride to Queens is the ultimate limo fantasy. The privacy screen up the whole time.
Drop her off with plans to talk the following week.
THE COUCH is feeling good over the weekend.
Then on Tuesday calls her home.
Her mother answers. Now we have not met yet, but when THE COUCH says who is calling, mom’s voice lifts in recognition.
“OH hello,
Mom begins to speak once again…“Now …”
WAIT FOR IT…
We can make up some things, but then there are things that you can not make up….
WAIT FOR IT…
“I am not sure it makes sense for you to call anymore…”
Where the hell did those damn crickets come from now???
WAIT FOR IT…
“because you know
WAIT FOR IT…
“…is on her honeymoon and probably can’t see you again.”
OK, call the exterminator these crickets are on my nerves…
Now we can almost guarantee we said something and then mom responded, but for the life of me it is just "yadda yadda yadda" with the sound of the ocean crashing in my ears…
Lesson #5 - Ah hell ain't no leeson to be taught!
What was that guy’s name on that dating show???
I can open up the east coast franchise for what – in my mind – was formally named “Get her Back”.
Where our motto is “Having a problem with your girlfriend or wife? Let us date her…three times, tops and she is back in your arms. Money-back guarantee…Good Housekeeping Seal Of APPROVAL.”
The next day we decided we would be an uncle…and forget this whole dating thing.
It was now about 5 months later and we have not had more then one date with any person.
As we mentioned last Thursday…we were dragged to a get together by our best friends and ended up being the 7th wheel.
The women in the third couple was attractive, but I walked away not even remembering her name.
The couple whose house it was were about to move out to Long Island close to THE COUCH, so we promised to stay in touch.
When they had settled in we made plans to go out one Friday night, the three of us.
What a great night, we had fun dancing and getting to know each other better. It is now the end of the night, last call, and as we walk out, THE COUCH blurts out “Hey, what’s the deal with the blonde that was at your apartment that time?”
“Oh, yes, well she and that guy broke up, we never knew what she saw in him”, says wife. “Why, would you like us to set you up, she and I are best friends.”
Hummm are you calling in a favor? Second class merchandise…we’ll help you out?
The brain is a funny thing.
“Sure, that would be fun.”
THE COUCH NOTE: We had never dated a blonde in our life. Nothing planned just the way it worked.
Plans are made for the Friday evening after Thanksgiving. We drive over to friend’s house and talking with husband. Down the stairs comes wife trailed by the blonde, who has on a great dress with a floral print design. Even prettier then we remembered.
Dinner is great, everyone talking….laughing…
Afterward out to dance.
Friend’s are going home, and since they are right down the road, if I want to stay over there is room.
Blonde and I decide we will be back in a bit and stay awhile longer.
Back to the house we stay up talking…kissing.
At around 5:00 am, THE COUCH drives home, takes a shower, drives back and she and he drive to the beach and go for a walk and watch the sunrise.
We date; she joins me at my company holiday party. In January, THE COUCH asks if she wanted to get married. Allyson answers yes. But, says THE COUCH, "I need to ask your dad before you say anything."
Next Saturday, THE COUCH walks to parent’s bedroom where dad is getting ready to go out. “May I speak with you, OH I am sorry, you are getting dressed.”
“No, come on in.” Dad-in-law was a fun guy and is standing there in a shirt, socks and his boxers.
“No, really, I can come back.”
“It is fine.”
OK, here goes… “Um Mr. S. I was hoping you would give me your blessing to marry Allyson.”
“Wait, I think I do need my pants on for this.”
He dons his pants and approves.
The days of dating are over for THE COUCH….
THE END
We hope you enjoyed this little saga.
Beginning next week...another serial which we hope will make your Mondays more enjoyable.
The line between fact and fiction is often blurred
by the tale and how it is spun...
by the tale and how it is spun...
St. J - P.B.U.A.B.W.A.BLight A Candle For The Innocent Victims Of Online Child Pornography HERE
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Keep that spark of insanity kids...It helps keep you an individual.
SONG INDEX: Source: allmusic.com
DIRTY LITTLE GIRL: Composers: Elton John & Bernie Taupin
VOGUE: Composers: Madonna & Shep Pettibone
SWEET CHILD 'O MINE: Composers: Guns N Roses
ONE WAY OUT: Composers: Elmore James & Marshall Sehorn
GUESS THINGS HAPPEN THAT WAY: Composer: Jack Clement
LOOK OF LOVE: Composer: Bert Bacharach & Hal David
Loved it..
ok.. beware of crickets... right!
Never a dull moment..
This post had me laughing out loud! And I loved the way you matched a song to each "encounter."
The things you had to go through, good lord, they all seem so surreal. I hope the future remains cricket-free for you!
Great, great, great story. I dated my share of...um...interesting men in my day (also in the early 80s!), and several of my scenarios ended up strangely.
I have this odd habit of accumulating past loves -- we stay friends for years afterwards. Several of them have commented to me, when their subsequent marriages inevitably broke up, "I should have married you when I had the chance." Huh? Whatever made you think I WOULD have married you?! That's why I gave up my fascination with bad boys and turned to the tried and true "wholesome" boys instead. Unfortunately for him (and for me), at times its challenging because he's a bit too wholesome, and I am, well..."free-spirited."
Aaaaaannnyway, loved your saga, and so glad you found a true love.
I sure do miss you over the weekends...sigh.
"The line between fact and fiction is often blurred by the tale and how it is spun ..." (couldn't see the pics at the end)
Very curious.
Lovely story.
"They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but love." Wm. Shakespeare
Ha ha - they're all pretty weird endings.
Very entertaining indeed. I love learning even more about you. Thanks for sharing, awaiting next weeks installment.
So much fun reading this post. You always make my day. Smooch
ANNDI: Dadgum crickets....
LIZZA: If you laughed out loud, my job is done! And yes cricket-free...
SONGBIRD: LOL...yes I have remained friends with a few old flames...none mentioned in today's episode though!
COCO: No pictures to see.. very curious about???
Nice quote from billy S.
TC: "pretty weird" is a nice way of putting it!
BUSY: Ah, but again... live or memorex???
TURN: TY glad you had fun
LOVED YOUR POST!!!!!!!
but....i have decided to go back to my old blog...you understand don't you?
Hey Bond, your dating stories are about as crazy as mine. I could write a book...lol
The show that Chuck Woolery hosted was "Love Connection" it was a hoot. :)
Cheers "Norm"
Women....CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM.......(pause).........pass the beer nuts.
DAMMTHAT: go on, but when they stop posting don't come back here looking for wit and information from me..
TOGERPRR: I am sure everyone has had some strange dating periods...LOL AND YES LOVE CONNECTION- that's it! We'll be back in 2 and 2 LOL
DAMMW: You have that saying on a beer mug somewhere?
Only those who have really "lived" can share stories like that...
Any hopes for a sitcom? It would be a humdinger!!!
Hugs,
Pia
PIA: Maybe someone will come along and read it and decide i have talent...Until then, consider yourself part of the audience ans whoop whooop away
Lol @ sitcom....could make for a good book though. ;)
LOVE.IT. Nice story...
MIRANDA: OOO book deal... you know a publisher?
TUG: TYVM
Oooh, Bond, these are priceless!!! I'm so relieved that I skipped all this fun. That Man and I married within months of me graduating high school.
Whoa! You've sure had some hard luck with women, Bond! Glad you finally found your true love. I guess it's true about the squirral, huh? LOL
LOL - thanks for this amazing matinee! Hooray for "Sweet Child Of Mine" - one of my favortie songs ever!
I´m happy for you about the outcome... but pleeeeease: Stay away from cricket =)
Bond,
Great post today, it took me awhile to get over here today. And I'm so happy I did! Your use of songs really does add to the post.
Hugs!
ROTFLMOO!
:takes deep breath:
ROTFLMOO!
Holy schmokes dude!! I would say something snarky about women, but the fair sex outnumbers us here.
Instead, I'll congratulate you on hanging in there.
Watch it trav!
Good job. But, going back into that world after a long marriage...
is a challenge. Very funny, right down to the boxers!
Vinny, thank you very much for this really exhilarate post! It really cheered me up and that's what I needed!
BTW, I've done a "Stalker Meme". Maybe you'd like to have a go?
Big Hugs from Germany,
Sonny
Sweet like Kitty
Sonny's Xmas
JOELY: Hummm..still, I am not sure I wouldn't have wanted to have some of this fun, and rememebr... truth? tale??? and there weere some great times - they just aren't as funny!
MERI: Don't consider it hard luck..consider it life..and HEY..look at all of them that lost out on ME! LOL
SANNI: LOL...the crickets....
DIANA: I try to select the right songs to the items where possible..ty for noticing.
DANA: laughing a bit too hard dear lol
TRAV: Good move on not making the comment and thanks for the compliment!
BUD: ty for the words..and it must be tough...
MERT: New story next week..hope you enoy as much...
SWEET KITTY: Sonny... glad I could cheer you up. UMMM Stalker meme...ummmm
Bond, absolutely loving it. Reads kind of like "How I Met Your Mother", only a lot funnier cuz I know you!! :D
Keep 'em coming - and sorry I'm so far behind. Work is killer.
Bond...Very INTERESTING! And I thought my own dating tales were strange! This middle-aged dating is just crazy. Sigh.
Awww. That's the sweetest love story I ever read! Guess we all do our share of losers till the right one comes along.